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Saturday



Rules for Women to Live By

Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be!
Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do! Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Check your oil! Please.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
Captain Cook did not need directions, and neither do we.
ALL men see only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
What's wrong? You asked if your bum looked too big in that.



NEED TO KNOW

Some ponders from CHUCK.
What is the cutoff to qualify as a weapon of MASS destruction?
If it blew up a Catholic Church during Sunday services, would that qualify it?
Do Monica's dates expect a kiss at the end of their first date with her? On the mouth?
How come if the government wants more money, it's mine they take and if the government wants to cut taxes it's the government's money they're giving away?
Are you really THAT dumb, Hillary?



MORE FROM THE TEEPEE

Oh, and the Chief has published an email he says was sent from an Iraqi doctor to a US Colonel. Reckon it will do the rounds.
Excerpt:
I also want to apologize for some of our young people who are not mature enough to understand what you have done and what you have given us. We have not known freedom for a long time, so it will take time to truly appreciate what a glorious gift you have given us.
Many of us blame the sanctions for all our problems. It was not the sanctions that created what we see today, it was the regime that existed everywhere, to include this very building that I work in, the Ministry of Health. It was the regime that cheated the people out of what was rightfully theirs by God's laws.



A MUST-READ

CHIEF WIGGLES has the most fascinating blog seen in a long while. The chief is pretty circumspect about his personal responsibilities, but he is a US officer involved in interrogation of Iraqi prisoners.
He writes damn fine posts that cover every non-intel detail of life in the camp, from the heat and the flies and lizards and mice, to the frustration of seeing gangsters and mad mullahs kyboshing efforts to bring order to chaos. He gets cranky with some of the "I know nothing'' prisoners, but also is annoyed that many still in captivity should be with their families. The chief also delivers a fine spray to the Red Cross, who failed on a promise to deliver letters to prisoners' families. The prisoners now give the Red Cross the silent treatment.
He paints an often bleak, yet somehow hopeful picture. Excerpts:
It is almost dusk now, I am sitting in my chair in my room of the bombed out radio station, got my candle burning that was sent me, so I can smell the fragrance of cookies and spice over the normal order of the prison camp. Fly strips hang around the room, in an attempt to put a dent in the fly population. A bird has made a nest in some of the broken bricks in our room and for the first time I can hear the sound of the chicks that must have hatched through the night. I usually can see a few lizards dash across the floor, hoping to get lucky and snatch a low flying fly. I have a small fan blowing the hot air around the room, which at least cools the sweat that has stained my shirt. I am sitting here in my brown t-shirt that looks like a tie-dyed shirt; only it is the salt stains of a day of sweating. The wind has finally died down outside, which might at least make it possible to sleep tonight, with getting all wrapped up.
I have been having a feeling that I was missing one thing out here, but I just couldn't put my finger on what it was. Then one day it hit me, music is what is missing and could make a big difference in our quality of life here. I went out and bought a small boom box, and we have been playing it ever since. I even take it to the shower point, so that we can sing along to the tunes while we shower. Being able to hear tunes playing out loud is very different from just hearing it through a set of headphones on a small CD player. We crank it up loud and sing at the top of our voices. It has a major affect on everyone that hears it, not just a bad affect either. Music has a certain soothing affect to all that are listening. We even take it up on the roof so we can listen to it before we go to bed.

The war of good and evil goes on day after day. The very worst of this society in all of its appetites, greed and lust, is still fighting against the goodness that is trying to rear its head after being suppressed for so long. There are still many evil men that have other plans for this place and have begun to fill the void left with Saddam's departure. Evil barely skipped a beat, transforming itself into another form or figure in order to continue the fight against what is good. It is as if evil's goal is to control the minds and will of all people, controlling another human being, which translates into power and wealth.

Organized crime took over the minute Baghdad fell. They were up and running in so many parts of this society, snatching up opportunities to exercise unrighteous dominion over another person in order to get personal gain. It is just amazing the number of groups of opposing organizations that exist here, that are in constant turmoil, jockeying for position.

As one of my friends said recently, what this country really needs is good solid, rigorous, non-religious education. Not Islamic Saudi religious schools that produce more terrorists than engineers, but solid Japanese-style schools that emphasize math, science, reading, discipline and personal accomplishment. Education is the key for these people, which shows in the attitudes of those who have achieved some level of higher education. These people need skills and trades and they need jobs, not some over zealous religious leader promoting hatred of all that they actually are jealous of. They need to learn a way to better provide for their families, in a way that promotes the overall betterment of the society, so that levels of health care improve and these people start living a higher standard of living, which is well within their reach.



RAINES OUSTED AT NEW YORK TIMES,
OFFICE RANSACKED; NO WEAPONS
OF MASS INTIMIDATION FOUND


Scathing parody at THE WEEKLY STANDARD of the paper that brought you ''All the fibs that fit''.



HOO ROO BOY

SCOTT WICKSTEIN neatly sums up Jason McCartney's AFL comeback from horrific Bali bombing injuries, aggravated by helping others rather than getting urgent treatment himself:

It's sentimental, heroic, and something really rather old fashioned, but I'm glad he went ahead and played one more game- and kudos to North Melbourne for believing in fairy tales.
And it's a very Australian way of saying 'Fuck you' to Amrozi.


And so say all of us.


Friday



'That's right, blame Johnny Walker Black, you racist pig!"

A New York judge arrested for crashing her Rolls Royce into two parked cars and refusing to take a blood alcohol test says she was targeted by cops only because she is black.
State Supreme Court Judge Donna Mills Mills was arrested last July 22 after crashing her luxury sedan into two parked cars outside a Riverdale store.
Cops said the 50-year-old judge stank of liquor and slurred her words before refusing to take a blood-alcohol test.



DOWDIFICATION IN PICTURES



C'ARN THE VAMPIRES!

Tim Blair reckons in his days editing the illustrious Melbourne Truth, he would have killed for a story like Shane Maurice Chartres-Abbott's.

My action-packed intro posted yesterday:
A gigolo who allegedly claimed to be a vampire and who feared becoming the victim in a snuff movie, was shot dead -- hit-style -- yesterday on his way to court to face charges of raping a client and biting off part of her tongue.

Blair alerts me to the omission of one salient fact that no self-respecting Melbourne tabloid editor should overlook, regardless of the story's gravity. The oversight demonstrates how far downhill the Herald Sun has slipped in recent years.
''Wonder what footy team he followed?'' ponders the Blairter.


Thursday



NEWS YOU MUST HAVE

PALM SPRINGS, Calif. (AP) - Barry Manilow is trying to get the feeling again after walking into a wall in his bedroom and breaking his nose.

ACME construction company expects to have the wall rebuilt by tomorrow evening.



PIGS MIGHT FLY

Australian health ministers would go along with this, wouldn't they?

The surgeon general of the United States, Richard Carmona, has said he would support the abolition of cigarettes and all tobacco products, the first time that such a senior public health official has taken that kind of stand over the industry.

Course it might mean giving up a few billion in excise and taxes, but the public's health is more important than government revenue, isn't it? Isn't it?




GUEST BOOK UNOPENED

Mysterious.
MEDIA WATCH'S guest book has not been updated since May 30. Perhaps they've been inundated with examples of a certain phat broadcaster's plagiarism in a national newspaper and are awaiting riding instructions from Biffo Balding.



SCREAMER

Crime reports don't come much better than this:
A gigolo who allegedly claimed to be a vampire and who feared becoming the victim in a snuff movie, was shot dead -- hit-style -- yesterday on his way to court to face charges of raping a client and biting off part of her tongue.
The Herald Sun updates the curious, potentially explosive tale of of Shane Maurice Chartres-Abbott.



Wednesday



NOT IMPRESSED?

NEWS to make your eyes water:

BERLIN (Reuters) - A German woman has partially severed her husband's penis during a quarrel after sex, police in the southern town of Konstanz say.
In an incident recalling the maiming of former U.S. marine John Wayne Bobbitt, who temporarily lost his penis in a similar attack, the woman, 43, sliced her 34-year-old husband's member with a carpet knife, police said.
"They'd just had their bit of hanky-panky and she went for him with the knife," a police spokesman said.


Tuesday



NOT FOOLING ANY OF THE PEOPLE

A fine essay by Catherine Crawford suggests bias comes from out-of-touch journalists, and their public knows it.
There are the perennial charges of bias, which grow louder the more bitterly split the electorate gets. But there's also the problem that many big-media journalists are now cautious, well-paid conformists distant from their audiences and more responsive to urban elites, powerful people and megacorporations — especially the ones they work for. Hence the bland news anchors who verge on self-parody; magazines so commercial they're practically catalogs; timid pack journalism (We love dotcoms too! I mean, we never believed in them either!); local newscasts shilling for their corporate parents ("Up next: the hottest Survivor finale parties! Plus, the rest of the news!"); saturation coverage of trials-of-the-minute and movies we know will be lousy but will have big opening weekends. Yes, people watch and buy all this stuff. That doesn't mean they respect it. They see a profession that acts excited about a lot — Laci Peterson, The Matrix Reloaded, political horse races — but cares about nothing.



TOUGH TALK

How's this for an invitation to read on:

Sid is such a compulsive and mean-spirited prevaricator that he gives ordinary liars a bad name. Sid is also litigious. Therefore, I will take this opportunity to invite him to sue me for any libel he detects in the article that follows.

It's David Horowitz letting fly at Clinton biographer Sidney Blumenthal.



BEEB BIAS

Seems it's not just an Australian problem.

The BBC's impartiality will come under increased scrutiny from its governors, who have asked for quarterly reports.
A spokesman said the board had always taken an interest in the issue, but "as always happens during a conflict, the Iraq war highlighted the importance of impartiality to all broadcasters, including the BBC".


And while they're at it, could they get some presenters who are not quite so, er, homely.



Monday



SULLY'S CASE

As always, ANDREW SULLIVAN is lucid and convincing in his latest post on WMDs.
But in some ways, these matters, while important, still don't get to the heart of the matter. The fundamental case for getting rid of Saddam was not dependent on the existence of a certain amount of some chemical or other. It was based on a political and military judgement. Once the threat from Islamist terror was self-evident, it would have been irresponsible for any political leader to ignore the possibility of a future attack with WMDs. It was and is the obvious next step for an operation like al Qaeda. Further, the war against terror, from the beginning, was always directed not simply at terrorist groups, but at the states that aided and abetted them. The key point is that Saddam's Iraq was a clear and present danger in that context. What mattered was not whether at any particular moment Saddam had a certain specifiable quantity of botulinum toxin. What mattered was his capacity to produce such things, his ability to conceal them, and his links to terrorists who could deploy them. No one can doubt that he had had them at one point, was capable of producing them, and was linked to groups who would be only too happy to use them. That was and is the case for getting rid of him. It's as powerful now as it was in January.

And here's the killer punch always overlooked by the ''where's the evidence'' crowd.

1441 was Saddam's last chance to prove he was a changed person. It proved he wasn't. If he had nothing to hide, why did he try so hard to hide it? And after all we know now about Saddam's evil police state, on what possible grounds could we have trusted him in the future?





CAN'T WIN 'EM ALL

Another unsuccessful day at the neddies. From our total $60 invested at $10 each way three times, we landed two placings for a total return of $37. Not a complete disaster and we've got Homewrecker to carry us to glory next Saturday.



CREAN GONE

Melbourne radio commentator Neil Mitchell can be an up-himself, anti-Catholic bigot, but he's reluctant to risk being wrong. So it was worth taking notice this morning when he predicted tomorrow's polls would have nothing but grief for Labor and Crean would be out and Beazley in within two weeks. And Howard will stick around for the next election.



WATCHING MEDIA WATCH

In view of all the aggrieved denials from within of ABC bias, the pressure will be on MEDIA WATCH tonight to expose Phatty Adams' latest plagiaristic effort as revealed by PROFESSOR BUNYIP.
If not, the racket from Auntie's opponents resting their cases will be deafening.



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