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Saturday


Magic Mick Manley hasn't much to say today, other than to wish Collingwood all the worse. and neither have I as I must be at Skilled Stadium in half an hour to watch the Lions chew up the Cats. here's Mick's fancies:
DASH FOR CASH (Race 5, No.11) should be a sound each-way investment. If he was fully fit he would be a cert but as there is a slight query on that go each-way. Our old favourite CRIMSON GEM (Race 7, No.9) will again start at good each-way odds and she owes us nothing. She has fitness on her side and should get a lovely run. In the last the best bet for the day is AUCKLAND BLUES (Race 8, No.5) - should prove too good.


Friday



GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS

The news just gets worse for the Hanrahans who keep warning ''We'll all be rooned'' by manmade global warming.
A NASA study has found that instead of melting and lifting sea levels and flooding Pacific islands and wiping the eastern Australian seaboard off the map, the Antarctic ice cap is actually growing.



OILS AINT OILS

Ah Lileks, he's like the second half of a cuppa after a hot breakfast: Brings inspiration to the comfort zone:

The more you sneer ooooiiiiilll, the more I wonder if you were sodomized by a gas-pump nozzle in your formative years. I understand that in your circles, oiiiillll says it all, but this doesn’t have much resonance outside the student cafeteria or the Kinko’s where you run off your fliers. If you doubt me - and you’ve every reason to do so, given my oil-soaked family - say “oil you” to a stranger, or sneer “get oiled!” in a locker room, or announce in a theater that “XXX” is “a load of steaming oil.” People won’t quite get it.


GREEN PIECE OF CRAP

Greenpeace stretch the truth? Never! Well, maybe just a smidgeon.
Seems someone at the UN of treehuggers found a photograph taken in 1918 of a glacier at Svalbard in the Norwegian Arctic. They then snapped the same area in 2002 to show how nasty modern man had made the cute little glacier almost extinct.

"The blame can be put squarely on human activity," Greenpeace said. "Our addiction to fossil fuels releases millions of tons of greenhouse gases into the atmosphere and this is what is causing temperatures to rise and our future to melt before our eyes."

But then along came Prof Ole Humlum, a leading glaciologist in Svalbard to put the kybosh on Greenpeace's silly story:
"That glacier had already disappeared in the early 1920s as a result of a perfectly natural rise in temperature that had nothing to do with man-made global warming."

When not debunking Greenpeace myths Prof Homlum is employed by several universities to research glacial developments in Svalbard and the Arctic in general.



STANDING ROOM ONLY

HOT BUTTERED DEATH, a prolific wordsmith with the most sensitive quirk detector in the blogiverse brings reports of the mayor of a French Mediterranean town, who faced with a cemetery "full to bursting", has banned local residents from dying until he can find somewhere else to bury them.
Gil Bernardi, mayor of Le Lavandou on the coast 25 km (15 miles) west of Saint Tropez, said most locals had obeyed the edict so far, but he was desperately trying to find a resting place for a homeless man who had recently passed away in the town.


Thursday



WET THINKING

As sure as sun follows rain, every incident of extreme weather these days is followed by an unscientific attribution to ''man-made global warming''. Oddly, these doomsayings usually appear in the serious left-slanted broadsheets, the preferred reading of urban conspicuous consumers, those who would have most to lose from primitivist public policy.
Nick Schulz in TECHCENTRAL STATION which is providing a pro-development coverage of the upcoming hot air session in South Africa, brings some badly-needed facts to the latest debate concerning European flooding.

Germany is about to get swamped with floodwaters. But that's not completely unusual for Deutschland. According to Doug Hoyt, author of The Role of Sun In Climate Change, some other major floods in Germany occurred in 1232, 1515, 1534, 1785, 1813, 1816, 1853, and 1855. And in 1515, according to Jay Nash's book, Darkest Hours, "all Germany was flooded like a sea."



AVOIDING A HANGOVER

After a night of drinking, Dustin W. Bailey walked out of a West Virginia bar, crossed the street and ended up underneath an idling tractor- trailer delivering supplies to a pizza restaurant. The truck killed him when the driver pulled forward.
THE CHARLESTON DAILY MAIL reports that two years later Bailey's mother is suing the pizza restaurant, the truck's driver, the truck's owner and the bar's owner because, she says, they all failed to take steps to keep her son alive.


Wednesday



MAD AS HELL AND NOT TAKING IT ANY MORE

BASTARDS! They're at it again in our neighborhood, those scum rats who spray and splatter paint everywhere, posing as some sort of edgy urban art practitioners. Has anyone any ideas on dealing with the little turd sniffers.
Here's a piece I wrote the last time they struck. The editor thought it a little too confrontational to publish.

Ten Graffiti myths exploded
Graffiti is art
Yeah, and Johnny Rotten sings opera. Graffiti might have had a tenuous claim to the status of original graphic expression 30 years ago when ghetto youths in New York amused themselves by painting cartoon-like characters on trains and subway surrounds. Anything since is derivative, crude, boring and annoying rather than challenging.
Graffiti is a legitimate form of individual expression.
So is playing the stereo at 50 decibels at 2am. Except that at that time, the offender is easily pinpointed. Graffiti scrawlers are cowardly little gutter rats who scurry around at that hour simply because they won't be held accountable for their ``individual expression''.
Graffiti ``artists'' are talented and just need to be pointed in the right direction.
Er, the back door of a divvy van? Perhaps art schools should advertise along the walls of railway sidings. Nah, wouldn't work. Too many words with more than three letters.
Graffiti scrawlers don't deface the work of their peers.
This is the big whopper. A few years ago Newcastle City Council commissioned a cartoon-style graffiti dauber to paint the expansive sea walls backing the city's main surf beach. Since then any redeeming qualities possessed by that copy-cat, but colourful, work have been rendered nil by a coating of monotonous, meaningless squiggles.
Graffiti vandals avoid private property.Not in our neighbourhood. Even if they did, surely government property is owned by private taxpayers. And individuals and families go bankrupt when businesses fail because of plummeting property values (sparked by neighborhood vandalism).
Graffiti scrawlers lack self-esteem.
Oh yes, the great cop-out of the past 15 years. ``Why did I shoot them, burn them and chop them into little pieces, officer? Why, I lacked self-esteem.'' These low-life lurkers brim with self-esteem. They think whatever they've got to say is more important than others' endeavours. Anyway, why is modesty old hat?
They just need other publicly-funded distractions, such as skateboard parks?
Like the skateboard bowl near Meadowvale? Unused by skaters, but covered in graffiti?
They come from deprived backgrounds.
So did 80 per cent of the population born before 1930 and 60 per cent of the population born before 1960. ``Menzies Out'' and ``JESUS SAVES . . . .Moses Lends'', at least demonstrated spirit, wit and learning.
They'll grow out of it
Good. Let's just get their names and addresses now so we can send the bill when they've matured to bigger things. Like ram-raids and arson.
They just need more social workers.
They certainly do. Big, strong social workers who patrol the streets at 2am, saying `Ullo, Ullo' and wearing size 12s with steel caps that they're permitted to use.


TRUMPET BLOW

Here's a piece I wrote for today's Geelong Advertiser to commemorate the 60th anniversary of the Kokoda Track campaign. My father was in the thick of it and possibly the most memorable event of my life was accompanying the old man and 50 of his comrades in arms to a reunion on the track back in 1998. Kokoda really is a mighty story and it's a wonder someone hasn't made a movie about it. Got everything -- furious battles, incredible heroics, dramatic switches in advantage, inept high command, cannibalism, humor and for diversity dogmatics, even an aborigine. (Harry Saunders, a brilliant, highly respected soldier.) And the goodies triumph in the end.



WORTH A LINK

Suberb new site has appeared for Aussie news hounds. POLITICAL LOBBY contains breaking news, opinion pieces and editorials from all major outlets. It is a non-profit product of the Millennium Youth Foundation. Should save a few clicks a day.


Tuesday


DRUG CASE

Well he did say he was off on a trip.
Canadian police say a man who paid less than $1 for a used suitcase at an auction house arrived home to find it was crammed with nearly five kilograms of cocaine with a street value of nearly $330,000.
THE ABC reports that the Calgary resident bought the carry-on size luggage along with several other items at a local auction house, Sergeant Chaffin said.
He contacted police after he opened the bag to find a hard substance separated into 158 small bags, later determined to be crack for street sale


CROSS OVER

A Muslim trainee in Britain's Metropolitan Police force is objecting to a cross on the force's badge, reports London's DAILY TELEGRAPH. He resigned in protest, but not before complaining about it to an industrial tribunal.
Since the complaint, the Met has agreed to allow "alternative badging ... where an objection to Christian symbols is raised by an individual, supported by some degree of proof."
Fair enough, I'm sure that if a Christian in a Muslim country objected to an islamic symbol on his uniform, local authorities would only be too pleased to provide an alternative.


Monday


The Collingwood faction on the Geelong Advertiser subs desk does not want Wayne Carey at The Club.
Our resident Lennon and McCartney has adapted our feelings to song:

We don't need no Way-en Carey.
We don't need another tall.
No adultery in the bathroom.
Malthouse, leave the king alone.
Hey, Malthouse leave the king alone!
All in all he's just another prick on
the ball.
All in all he's just another prick on
the ball.



THE BATSMAN'S HOLDING, THE BOWLER'S WILLEY

Great moments in sports commentary:

SANDY ROBERTS was hosting some event on Channel 7 when he introduced the incumbent Miss Australia, Cynthia Dick as Cynthia Cock! Amid raucous laughter from the live audience & despite barely being able to contain his own laughter, good old Sandy desperately sought to recover the situation by exclaiming - "You must get Cock quite a lot!"

MICHAEL BUERK watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle a male astronomer for warmth during BBC's eclipse coverage remarked - "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's come in his shorts."

BEN BROWN commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining up shots at the Scottish Open - "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it himself."

MIKE HALLETT discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports - "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

JACK BURNICLE was talking about Colin Edwards' tyres on World Super Bikes - "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

CHRIS TARRANT discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on Good Morning - "She was practising fastest finger by herself in bed last night."

Winning Post's STEWART MACHIN commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead - "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

ROSS KING discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond - "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

Cricketer NEIL FAIRBROTHER hit a single during a Durhan v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe - "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

CLAIR FRISBY talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said - "There's nothing like a big hot sausage on a cold night like this."

JAMES ALLEN interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked - "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

STEVE RYDER covering the US Masters - "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

The new stand at Doncaster racecourse took BROUGH SCOTT'S breath away - "My word," he said, "Look at that magnificent erection."

WILLIE CARSON was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said - "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."




COW-A-BANGA!!!

And the smarty pants say nothing ever happens in the provinces.
This from today's Geelong Advertiser (no link).

AN EXPLODING cow sent shock waves more than half a kilometre in Lara last night.
The dead cow exploded like a bomb after it was thrown onto a large bonfire, Lara police Sergeant Finley Beames said.
The explosion rattled windows and was attended by three fire units, Sgt Beames said.
Police feared a petrol tanker or gas bottle had exploded after residents first reported the blast.
Sgt Beames said a farmer planned to cremate the dead cow on the bonfire in Fairway Drive about 6.30pm.
But he failed to cut open the cow's stomach, which was full of gas.
Sgt Beames said the explosion shook windows in homes more than half a kilometre away in Bacchus Marsh Road.
``The farmer had asked us if it was OK to dispose of the cow in that way,'' Sgt Beames said.
``But we did not know he wasn't going to cut open the stomach.''
Sgt Beames said the police station received a number of calls from concerned residents that feared the sound was a gas explosion.
He said he was surprised to find a dead cow was the cause for the alarm.
``Judging from the remarks it must have been a pretty loud explosion,'' Sgt Beames said.
He said the farmer was not injured in the explosion.
The farmer was not available for comment last night.

PA-KOW!!






Sunday



NOT SO GOOD, NOT SO BAD

Death and taxes are the only certainties in life and they weren't racing at the Valley yesterday. Thus our $10 first up on Purple Groove bought some bookie's baby a raffle. Nevertheless, following Magic's advice, we had $10 each way on Dandy Kid in the fifth which duly greeted the judge. Suddenly we're $31 in the black. Another $10 each way on Court of Jewels failed to bear fruit. Still $11 up on the day, a 22 per cent return. We're game to have another go.


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