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Saturday



TIPSTER'S HEAVEN

All's right with the universe as far as our equine appraiser, Magic Mick Manley, is concerned. He writes:

Peace has returned to the world...i.e Tigers are back, the Blues are about to win a wooden spoon and the good news tonite is that either Essendon or Collingwood will lose...unfortunately one will win
For today try PURPLE GROOVE (Race 1, No.1). She looks a class above her rivals. DANDY KID (Race 5, No.1) is a Valley specialist and looks a great each-way bet here.COURT OF JEWELS (Race 7, No.8) should also prove to be a sound each-way investment.

Well, there you go.
I can only hope Magic's tips run smoother than this box of bytes in front of me. The hard drive has more bad clusters than the crowd outside a Sydney gang-rape sentencing.
Upgrade inevitable.


Tuesday



REDNECK REGIMENT

The latest ploy to drive the Taliban and Al Queda out of the mountains of Afghanistan is to send in a team of Alabama Special Forces.
Billy Bob, Bubba, Boo, Scooter, and Cooter are being sent in with the following info about the Taliban:

1. There is no limit. 2. The season opened last weekend. 3. They taste just like chicken. 4. They don't like beer, pickup trucks, country music, or Jesus. 5. Some are queer. 6. They don't like barbeque. 7. They were responsible for Dale Earnhardt's death.

Should be over in just about a week.



CHEERS, AND GOOD HEALTH

Here’s The best news all week: Beer is good for you — even better for you than red wine.

THE WALL STREET JOURNAL announces that after more than 20 years of research and scores of studies on the effects of moderate alcohol consumption on health, beer is slowly bubbling to the top as a beverage that not only lifts spirits but delivers protection against major ailments such as heart attacks, stroke, hypertension, diabetes and dementia.
Lift that slab, tote that ice, tomorrow's a night off, guess who's gonna get a little healthy?



WE ARE BAD, OSAMA IS GOOD

FOXNEWS reports that public school teachers across the US are gearing up to make Sept. 11 and the war on terror part of their lesson plans this fall. Being teachers, a number have conjured up politically correct curricula to fill the void.

The National Council for the Social Studies, for example, recently created a lesson plan about "Osama," a young boy from Iraq who immigrates to the United States and is teased at school because of his name.
The American Forum for Global Education also has published "Terrorism: What Every Teacher Should Know" that includes a History of U.S. Government Actions to Limit Civil Liberties and suggests Alternet and the U.K.'s Guardian newspaper as sources of news about the war on terror.

The Gaurdian? Don't they want them to at least learn to spell?



FAR FROM SHIP-SHAPE

By Joves, the barnacles of the Senior Service are most displeased about the running aground of HMS Nottingham off Lord Howe Island. Capt Peter Newton, (retired, presumably) of Chellaston, Derbyshire, has written sternly to The Telegraph demanding the captain's courtmartial. The retired skipper believes the only port a modern captain can handle is in a bottle. And it seems Capt Newton would not be surprised to see the return of Captain Hook, climbing the rigging.

Sir - The towing of Nottingham stern first into an Australian port is a shameful disgrace for all British seafarers (report, Aug 7). It appears that her captain will not be court martialled and therefore the taxpayer will never learn why the nation has lost one of its few warships at a time of need or why we will be faced with a bill of hundreds of millions of pounds to repair this vessel.
Even captains who lose their ships to enemy action are court martialled - the court martial is designed to discover the truth surrounding the incident and does not in itself reflect badly on the captain or anybody else unless proved otherwise. Why did the captain, rather than the ship's surgeon, go ashore in the helicopter with the injured crewman? Was the bridge management team properly briefed before the captain left the ship or had the flight deck officer been in charge, contrary to the safe navigation of the ship?
There used to be a saying that the Royal Navy had gentlemen trying to be officers and the Merchant Navy had officers trying to be gentlemen. The truth was that, until recently, the Royal Navy always utilised Merchant Navy List 1 RNR officers when out of sight of land to navigate their ships.
However, since the introduction of satellite navigation, they have dropped this practice and prefer to believe the "box" rather than what their own eyes are telling them. Judging by the number of incidents of poor ship handling and navigation over the past few years, the average Royal Naval officer is better able to navigate the port round the wardroom table than his ship in the ocean.
Two hundred years ago, the Royal Navy wiped piracy off the face of the seas; today British and foreign ships (including my own) have been attacked by pirates with impunity, and merchant seamen have lost their lives, sometimes within sight of RN warships.
The Royal Navy, meanwhile, appears more interested in conducting experiments in political correctness - it is a racing certainty that it will appoint its first woman captain long before it catches a single pirate.





Monday


OH, FOR THE EMPIRE

Ross Clark in The Spectator observes: There are many injustices in the world which make one hanker for the days when a British gunboat was always on hand to take a few potshots at misbehaving foreigners, but this is perhaps not one of them.
Clark was referring to an absurd proposal by Lindsay Hoyle, Labour MP for Chorley, who has demanded his government use its political might to stop Cypriots gorging themselves on thrushes, a delicacy on the menus of the island’s restaurants.
Quite. Imagine how the French would react to all that snail killing in English gardens.




PLEASE, I'LL DO ANYTHING, BUT NOT THE CARLTON GAMES

Right, get Robert Manne, Bob Ellis, Phillip Adams, Margo Kingston and Malcolm Fraser all aboard a fast boat to Malaysia. Oh, and arrange for them to take that serial nuisance Peter Hoare with them. And put in callS to the UN, Amnesty, the World Council of Churches and John Pilger. There's bleeding heart business to be done.
Mahathir Mohamad's government is meting out harsh treatment to illegal immigrants. No, they're not putting the illegals in detention centres, they're slamming them in the pokie. And they're not treating them to harsh and unusual punishment such as supplying them with beer shampoo which Islam decrees they can't drink (Thanks to Professor Bunyip for that tidbit) or making them watch Carlton matches on Foxtel. Mahathir's courts, reports THE BBC, have ordered seven illegal immigrants to be jailed and caned in the first cases to be tried under the country's tough new immigration laws.
Seven men, aged between 22 and 38, were convicted of staying in Malaysia without valid documents under legislation which came into effect at the end of July.
Four Indonesians were sentenced to two strokes of the cane. Another Indonesian and two Bangladeshis were ordered to be whipped once.




Sunday



ADAMS RIBBED

You've got to hand it to Phillip Adams, he's predictable. Phatso turns his hand this weekend to satire, with limited success. His target? Surprise, surprise, Howard and Ruddock. His MO? Jeez, as if this hasn't been done before, a parody of Yes Minister. Yes, what? you ask. A sometimes humourous TV series produced by the Brits about half a lifetime ago.
Lardarse mounts his case on his belief that Australians are a dumb bunch of xenophobes who need only the mention of newcomers stepping onto our shores to endorse laws that would make Hitler blush.
Someone better tell this to all those Aussies of Asian, African, Middle Eastern and Anglo-Celtic descent that I saw in Melbourne yesterday at a suburban footy ground. They were laughing and joking with each other, their kids were playing together, their teens eyeing each other off with wicked carnality in mind.
And they all seemed pretty much law-abiding citizens. That's what stupid Adams doesn't get. If you want to claw your way up from the lower classes where most migrants begin the Australian stage of their existence, you have to abide by the laws. That includes immigration laws. And that's all 80 per cent of Australians want: newcomers who have arrived legally.
If these Australians are so racist, how come there hasn't been rioting in the streets over a 20 per cent increase in migration from all over, including Asia and Africa?
I guess the omar of obesity is just confused. He is after all, a millionaire socialist, who so abhors common folk he hides out on some vast rural spread in the NSW tablelands.

Cop this. His contempt for ordinary Australians is palpable:
"Well, aren't the icecaps melting? We'll put panic in the streets by talking up the threat posed by Eskimos. We'll tell the voters that they're coming here in millions of kayaks."
"They're called the Inuit, Minister, and they no longer use kayaks. And there aren't millions of them."
"Carruthers, stop worrying about the facts. This nation was built on xenophobia and terror. The Yellow Peril. Reds under the Bed! Muslims on the march! An epidemic of Eskimos! So off you go and draft a few press releases. While I re-read the polls."


Inept bullshit and as funny as toothache.



LUCKLESS

Well, we didn't lose the lot. From now on I'll stick with Mick's tips and restrict my research to discovering the perfect beer.
Green Pick's winning streak ended, costing me $10. Natch ran third, returning $13 for the $10 each-way outlay. But Fraar's Return ran third, for zip return on the $10 straight out. My special, Blue Wina, was specially awful, finishing second last and costing me $20. All up, I'm down $47 for the day. But still ahead over the past month.
Better luck next time.


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