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Saturday


Is Dubya partial to live pigeon? He might need to be if he shares a meal with a special guest at next month's annual White House Correspondents' annual dinner.
The guest: None other than the maniac of metal Ozzy Osbourne.
VH1.com reports Ozzy and his wife, Sharon, will be the guests of TV news anchor Greta Van Susteren and Fox News Channel, according to a network spokesperson. Guests are invited by members of the association to sit at their respective tables, and the Osbournes accepted FNC's offer earlier this week.


Newspaper editors are forever stuffing their columns with health stories. Why? Because they interest the desired reader demographic: women under 35. Who says? The marketing departments. Who runs the marketing departments? Women under 35 and sadly they are frequently of the type who identify with those sad sackettes in Sex in the City. Thus, it was mirthful to come across this fine little play on the news in the brilliant Satirewire site:

"Younger women who drink two or three alcoholic beverages a week have a lower risk of developing high blood pressure than women who do not consume alcohol." -- Reuters, March 10, 2002

STUDY FINDS WOMEN WHO DRINK
WAY MORE FUN TO STUDY
Researchers Say Alcohol Affects Women's Blood Pressure, Researchers' Interest

Cambridge, Mass. (SatireWire.com) Update — According to a new study on female alcohol use and blood pressure, young women who consume two or three alcoholic drinks a week are much more fun to do research on than women who do not consume alcohol.


This woman reduced her risk of high blood pressure, and increased her interest among researchers, just by consuming a few drinks.
Oh, and the report also found that women who have a few drinks each week are less likely to develop high blood pressure. Whatever.



Friday


Duh! Are New Mexicans this dumb or just those who watch The West Wing. NewsMax reports that New Mexico Energy, Minerals and Natural Resources Department apparently thinks people are so stupid they need to be told that the NBC television series The West Wing is, well, a television series.
The series ran an episode about a crash of a truck bearing uranium fuel rods in an Idaho tunnel.
"The scenario described is completely fictional," the department explained in a news release issued Tuesday. "New Mexico has no tunnels." Neither, it says, does Idaho.
But after some checking, it was discovered that New Mexico did, indeed, have a tunnel.





NOT even flowers and a written apology to his victim could get a bloke off the hook when he fronted Geelong Magistrates' Court yesterday.
The Geelong Advertiser reports today that Brent Darby 25, of Hope Street, Geelong West pleaded guilty to a charge of indecent behaviour.
Police prosecutor Senior Constable Peter Murrihy told the court that in August last year the victim, a female cab driver, was called to the city to collect Darby and a male friend and
take them to an address in Newtown.
His destination? Well, the driver was instructed to point her passengers at Percy Street.
Sen-Constable Murrihy said during the trip Darby continually made lewd comments to the victim, inviting her to have sex with him and his friend.
The frightened victim stopped her cab in Percy Street and asked for the fare to which Darby told her he would pay her double to perform sexual acts with both men.
After getting out of the cab Darby then indecently exposed himself to the victim.
Sen-Constable Murrihy said the victim had been extremely traumatised by the event and was unable to work for some weeks after.
Brendan Fennelly, for Darby, told the court his client's behaviour was similar to those which normally arise when young men consume too much alcohol.
``His recollections of the events are very poor and in fact he didn't recall anything until he was approached by the victim's partner,'' Mr Fennelly said.
``He immediately sent a letter of apology and flowers to the victim.''
Mr Fennelly said his client recognised he has a problem with binge drinking and has taken steps to address it.
Magistrate Frank Moloney told Darby his behaviour had been both outrageous and frightening.
Darby was convicted and fined $900.
``The victim was engaged in an occupation, one that regularly puts hers and other cab drivers' wellbeing at risk purely because of unlawful community behaviour like yours,'' he said.``The only reason I won't impose a form of imprisonment is because you have taken steps to address the situation.''



Wednesday


I'm sure this bloke works in my office. When I knock off work there'll be three ball points, a pencil, a hi-lighter and pack of paper clips and a paper cutter on my desk. The next day: zilch, nix, nuttin', not even a used stick-it page.

Daily Telegraph reports that a man addicted to munching his way through 50 ballpoint pens a week has been cured by hypnotherapy.

John Carey, 34, began spending £50 a month on his habit after he was banned from using pens at work because none of his colleagues could find anything to write with.

"My manager took me to one side and said it wasn't just the money I was costing them but the fact that nobody else could ever find a pen to use," he told the Brighton Evening Argus yesterday.


Jest time from southern tablelands winemaker extraordinaire Peter Hansen


Poor gold fish!!

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole in the dirt, when her
neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced
youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing, there,
Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking
up,
"and I've just buried him."

The neighbour was very concerned.

"That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"


Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied,

"That's because he's inside your fucking cat."


YOO-HOO! The Peejer's back in print. Contrarians' favourite deconstructed hippy peacenik, PJ O'Rourke has taken on a formidable target -- only 103 Nobel Prize laureautes -- for an amusing pisstake on those otherwise brilliant people who in a moment of weakness start believing their publicists. You see, the noble Nobelists actually think they can save the world, only if we take their advice. Jesus! even He didn't issue that guarantee. Readallaboutit at The Atlantic Monthly


Monday


In response to the report we carried yesterday on nanny-staters in the US school system banning little kids from playing cops and robbers using their fingers as play guns, Jim F suggests to FoxNews that the schoolyard fascists have more to do:

''Officials at Lewis Elementary School in Barstow, Calif. may also need to bar students from running around with their arms outstretched on their sides pretending they are airplanes. After all, we know how dangerous airplanes are now.''

I'd love see these dingbat educators coping with the schoolyard antics of my generation in the 1950s and 60s. Cracker guns, rabbit traps, matchhead bombs, home-made air rifles, shanghais, the old burning parcel of dogshit-on-the-doormat trick. . . Ah, memories. Course there was the downside. Six of the best at school if caught, plus a parental kick up the arse once the note arrived home. And if the local cop was involved, another kick in the kyber. Still, no lasting sociopathic damage, other than utter contempt for the secular missionaries who increasingly pollute the once-worthy calling of public service.


Sunday


Yuk, yuk
Jay Leno: John Wayne Bobbitt got married on Saturday. He says the best part about marriage is waking up together – and he’s just talking about himself!
Kilborn:
A Broadway version of the movie "Rocky" is in the works. They are currently doing casting. So if you can sing and act – forget it, it’s not happening!


You only have to hear an Oscar acceptance speech to know that generally Californians are not the sharpest knives in the drawer.
Powerful evidence for a statewide commonsense vaccination campaign is offered by this report in the Contra Costa Times of a LA-LA Land school banning kids from playing cops and robbers in the schoolyard.
Lewis Elementary School in Barstow, Calif., Superintendent Gary Thomas said the age-old game in which kids point their fingers at each other, pretending they are guns, is banned in the playground or anywhere else on school property until it can be determined whether the game is dangerous.
One parent, Dan Pecaro, removed his 9-year-old son from the school after a principal threatened to expel the third-grader if the boy did not stop playing the game.



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